MESHED UP GIRL
“Though my strength is declining, my faith is growing stronger, and one day I will see what He has done with my suffering”
~Vaneetha
Rendall Risner ~
Standing in a pool of my
own blood, spilling with purpose from my weak body, down my swollen and
trembling legs, my mouth was agape with the horror of what had just happened to
me. A tiny nurse, the size of one of my thighs, stood beside me beckoning
me to the bathroom so she could get a few drops of urine from my traumatized
body before she went home. As I stood there, frozen in my pain, tears
streaming down my face, I heard a loud sound so chilling and
unrecognizable. My gaze searched the faces of all the strangers that laid
in their beds with their curtains open, staring at me, and that’s when I
realized that I was the one crying out like a wounded animal. Next came
the removal of 8 feet of packing (gauze) that was shoved deep inside my body to
stop me from bleeding to death. I can’t describe the feeling, and even if
I could, it would make you vomit. This was my first experience with mesh
removal.
POLYPROPYLENE - A
synthetic resin built up by the polymerization of propylene, a gaseous compound
obtained by the thermal cracking of ethane, propane, butane, and the naphtha
fraction of petroleum, that is accompanied with a WARNING that it should not be
used to make implanted medical devices and that it should not come in contact
with human tissue...
In 2006, I was a young
vibrant 36-year-old woman who loved to hike, fish, paint, and cook. I had
4 beautiful children that I devoted my life to, and I had just bought my first
home. Being a single mom was difficult, but my kids were my joy and I
worked hard to support them the best I could. I was so happy in our new
little bungalow, white with blue shutters and a cute front porch. The
yard was small and had a pretty waterfall and a pond that the birds would come
drink from. I was looking forward to the yard work and all the days ahead
that I would spend planting flowers. I spent the first two weeks eagerly
unpacking all our things and settling in because I had surgery coming up soon
and I would need to be ready for a recovery that would take about 6-12 weeks.
HE WOULD SIMPLY REMOVE THE PROBLEM, WHICH IN HIS MIND WAS MY USELESS UTERUS
Earlier that year, I
went to see a Gynecologist because I was having issues with my menstrual cycle,
I would bleed for 23 days out of the month, a condition called menorrhagia.
After about 10mins of intake, the doctor asked me if I was having any more
children, and I said “absolutely not!” He instantly (in all of his
wisdom) suggested that we just take out my uterus and be done with
it. The whole thing seemed so simple… “One and done!” He offered me
no other tests, treatment, or advice on what may be causing the issue or how he
could help me, he would simply remove the problem, which in his mind was my
useless uterus. He explained the normal complications of this type of
surgery, and then he told me that sometimes the bladder will “fall” after a
hysterectomy. So I asked him, “What will you do if that happens?” and he
said, “We go back in and tape it up.” So I said, “Why don’t you just tape
it up while you’re in there?” His answer was short and sweet, “I guess I
could.” And that was the end of that conversation. I never heard
another word about the “TAPE.” All the way home, I wracked my brain to
try and figure out how tape would stick to my bladder inside my body…
Anyone who knows me today, knows that I research EVERYTHING… But I wasn’t always like that. Back in the day, I was gullible, naive, and I trusted everything the doctors told me, and why wouldn’t I? They knew more than me and they were educated right? Up to that point, I had never been harmed by a doctor, so allowing the doctor to book the ovary sparing vaginal hysterectomy was the obvious next step, and I returned home to put in a medical leave of absence from work.
The morning of surgery
came and I was really looking forward to not having my period anymore, and I
was finally going to be able to wear white pants and swim any day of the year
without worry. There was a strange feeling in the pit of my stomach
though, nerves I suppose, but when I got into the operating room and they asked
me to count backwards from 10, my nerves gently slipped away… When I woke up, I
had a lot more pain than I thought I would have, but I had no reason to believe
the pain wasn't normal, so I was just going to have to suck it up. The
recovery went well, everything hurt "down there" but I had nothing to
compare it to so I presumed everything was normal. However, six weeks
into my recovery, I developed a terrible odor and pain in my groin and
abdomen, so I was pretty sure I had an infection. I called my GP
and made an appointment to see him, and he confirmed that yes, I had an
infection. He treated me with antibiotics and bed rest which set me back
another six weeks.
Time moved on, and
eventually I healed from the surgery. My vaginal pain never really went
away, but it subsided and most days I didn't think about it much.
Intercourse was painful, but I thought maybe it was just my skin drying out
from hormonal changes from the hysterectomy, it was hard to tell, but I
certainly had no idea that I was a victim of a barbaric and heinous crime
against humanity, and that I (along with my family) would suffer the
consequences for the rest of my life.
I LAID THERE, LEGS SPREAD, SEARCHING HIS WALLS FOR MY HAPPY PLACE, HE TOLD ME THAT THERE WAS MESH ERODING THROUGH MY VAGINA
By 2015 the sharp
pain in the anterior portion of my vagina, near my urethra, was so painful that
I would suffer with burning pain for many days after intercourse. It felt
like someone had taken a cheese grater to me and it felt raw and exposed… The
strangest thing was that my husband would sometimes bleed after we had been
intimate. This went on for another few years and other symptoms started
to present themselves. My body began to create fluid and I began to lose
continence, I began to have buttock, groin and pelvic pain that extended down
my legs and to my feet. My legs, ankles, feet, joints, and hands were so
swollen with fluid that I couldn’t bend my arms and legs anymore, and finally
it got to the point that I was unable to use my hands to even hold a cup of
coffee or my toothbrush. I lost my ability to walk, and I couldn’t sit
anymore from the pain of it all. By this time, I was losing more and more
continence and I felt compelled to see a Gynecologist for help. I found
one in a neighboring city, and made an appointment hoping I would get answers
for why I was in so much pain and why I was quickly becoming completely
incontinent. The day came for my appointment and as I laid there, legs
spread, searching his walls for my happy place, he told me that there was mesh
eroding through my vagina. I lifted my head in shock and said,
"WHAT!?” I had no idea that I had mesh inside my body! My
hysterectomy doctor didn’t tell me he was going to do that, he didn’t ask for
my consent, and he didn’t tell me what mesh was or share any of the horrifying complications
of introducing mesh into a human body.
By this time it
was 2020 and I was still recovering from breast implant illness and explant surgery
to remove my breast implants that were killing me.
After realizing how helpful the Facebook group for women going through BII was, I decided to connect with two very
supportive transvaginal mesh groups on Facebook, and began talking with women
all over Canada. Very soon, I realized that I needed to get myself
checked out by a good mesh removal surgeon and get this mesh out of me!
The pain, infections, and symptoms were crippling me and my life had changed so
drastically that I didn’t recognize myself mentally, or physically.
After weeding through doctors, I found a surgeon I trusted in Edmonton Alberta, and on December 15, 2020 she and her colleagues worked for almost 5 hours to remove the two arms of the TOT mesh embedded in my thighs, deep in the muscle, ligaments, and nerves. I was in so much pain when I woke up from my surgery and I felt like the mesh was still in my urethra, along with all this new pain from them digging in my thighs. Later that evening, my surgeon came in and asked me if I was sure I hadn’t had a partial mesh removal surgery before, I told her no, of course not, and that’s when she said that she couldn’t find the center of "THE TAPE."
AS TIME WENT ON, I WAS CONFRONTED WITH THE REALITY THAT I WAS FULLY INCONTINENT
During this time, the pain was not improving and I was still not able to sit without extreme pain. I could feel that the mesh was still in my urethra and I was sure that she had missed it. This prompted more investigation and another long drive to Edmonton to have a transvaginal ultrasound to find the missing mesh. The ultrasound was so painful because of the pressure needed to get a good image, but thankfully the doctor of radiology found another 3cm embedded at the bladder neck confirming that I wasn't crazy, and another removal surgery was booked with the same surgeon. I was so scared to go through everything that I had just gone through all over again. The pain, the recovery, the dark places emotionally... Nevertheless, my surgeon met me in the wee hours of August 24, 2021, and operated on me for another 4 hours. She said she found some mesh embedded in my bladder, and in my bone, and found a few pieces up in behind my pubic bone, but none near my urethra. I woke up with the original pain and of course more surgical pain, and now completely incontinent. I convinced myself it was too early to tell if this was permanent and that it was just inflammation... this wasn't happening. But as time went on, I was confronted with the reality that I was fully incontinent and this was going to be permanent. I became sadly aware that my pain and incontinence was here to stay and that this was my new normal and my life would be forever changed.
The days that followed were dark, and I hope I never experience those days again. It was about 9 weeks after my second surgery that I slowly reached a breaking point mentally, and I quietly left the country and headed to my safe place on the Sea of Cortez, and to the welcoming arms of a good friend who allowed me the space to sit alone and cry, and who provided me a shoulder when I needed to talk. She'll never know how much that meant to me and how much of a role she played in my healing journey. One day while I was sitting alone by the shore, watching the waves come in and gently roll back out, I wondered what it would feel like if I just walked in and never look back. The physical pain of my most intimate parts being tortured and torn apart, the loss of my life as I knew it, not recognizing the person in the mirror anymore, the feeling of defeat, and of becoming a burden to my family was all to much to bear, but God met me there with His peace, grace, and love. His promise that it would be okay gave me the will to return to the casita, and to watch another glorious sunrise. The days went by as I journaled my thoughts and feelings, and eventually I returned home to my family with renewed strength to finish my journey.
SHE WAS VERY HONEST WITH ME AND PROMISED ME NOTHING
After giving myself a little time to settle back in, I decided to reach out to a different surgeon, one closer to home, a reconstruction specialist of urology. The goal was to have her examine me to see if she could give me a some continence back. She performed a few different diagnostic tests during which she discovered a sharp piece of what she believed to be mesh under my urethra. FINALLY SOMEONE FOUND IT! After much discussion, she agreed to surgically remove the mesh and create a fascial sling to try and give me some continence. The fascial would have to be harvested from my abdomen and tunnels would have to be created behind my pubic bone to bring the fascia, like a sling, under my urethra and up to my abdomen where it would be attached with sutures to provide support and hopefully a little continence. She was very honest with me and promised me nothing. She told me she would do her best but she couldn't promise I would be pain free, and only gave me a 25% chance of being dry after the surgery... The days leading up to surgery felt painstakingly slow, I was so scared to go through this horrendous surgery again, but so hopeful that she was finally going to get the mesh out and I might have a chance of some continence again.
My surgery date finally came, and on May 15, 2022 at 8:00am I fell asleep with tears rolling down my face as I begged my surgeon to get it all out. The next thing I remember, everything seemed a little foggy as I drifted in and out of consciousness, but I could tell I was in the recovery room, and there was a kind nurse watching over me. It took about 3 hours for them to wake me up completely and manage my pain, and I don't remember much else until my daughter came to sit with me. She asked me how I was feeling and I was surprised to report that I was quite comfortable. My pain was tolerable and I felt good, even though I had a catheter, 6-8 feet of packing inside me, and a six inch abdominal wound deep to my fascia. Later that afternoon my surgeon came to see me. She told me that everything had gone well, and she was happy with the surgery. Again, she made no promises that my surgery would be successful, but she confirmed that she got 3cm of mesh out of my bladder neck (in 2 pieces) and had to fix the holes that removing it had made in my bladder. She told me the fascial sling procedure went well, and we would just have to wait and see if it worked. After a long night in the hospital, with extremely poor care, I was able to get myself released home where I was safe and given the love and care I needed from my husband and daughter.
I am still in recovery, with no definite answers of long-term pain relief or continence, but what I can share with you all is, as of today (3 weeks post surgery), I have no obvious symptoms of stress incontinence, and regarding the previous pain of the mesh embedded in my urethra, I believe that may be gone too! I am unsure if the present discomfort is from the stitches or surgical pain but I can definitely say the pain has changed and dare I say, improved.
MY LIFE IS FOREVER CHANGED...
Over the last 17 months my surgeons have found mesh embedded in my obturator bones, my groin, my bladder, my pubic bone, behind pubic bone, my urethra, and eroding through my vagina. I have pieces embedded everywhere in my pelvic floor that will never come out because it is similar to getting gum out of your hair after 16 years. My life is forever changed, I will never walk normally again, never ride a bike, never ride a horse, never be able to sit for long periods of time, and I will never stop telling my story in hopes that I can save even one of you from the pain and anguish I have gone through for the last 16 years. Aside from the physical pain, I have had some really, really dark days. Days where I didn't know if I wanted to live like this, days where I stayed home and cried in bed until I passed out from pure exhaustion. Most days I couldn't leave the comfort of my home or my office, my safe places.
It’s not just vaginal mesh that is literally tearing people apart, its hernia mesh, brain mesh, stomach mesh etc. Please DON’T allow doctors to put mesh in your babies, your husbands, your sisters, your brothers, or you! The manufacturers of Polypropylene have warned that it should never come in contact with human tissue. They warned us to never use it to make medical devices!! Read about all the toxins used to make this plastic, read about how it breaks off and migrates into your organs and tissues, do your own research, and be aware that doctors can put this inside you without your knowledge and consent. You have to be proactive, and be very clear that you do not consent to any type of mesh being placed inside you.
Thank you for reading my story, and I pray that none of you will ever have to go through what I have gone through.
Love ~ this meshed up girl...
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